The End of Ramadhan…


… So to that I say تقبل الله منا ومنكم -May Allaah accept from us and from you.

While most Muslims world over are joyous over tomorrow’s Eid, here I sit, writing, with eyes swollen from tears. I didn’t get to fast this Ramadhan for medical reasons and I feel like I missed out so much this Blessed Month. I tried to stay busy with reading Qur’an and praying night prayers but still, I feel like… well, sad is all I can say.

I haven’t written in a long time despite needing to. I need to because this tiny blog of mine is a way for me to channel my need for study and research. I research the beautiful aspects of Islam so I can keep reminders here, primarily for me, and then for anyone reading to benefit. But the problem is that I haven’t taken the time to do that recently. Instead I busied myself, mainly just being a wife and mother and the never ending cycle of cooking/cleaning that this job entails, and I forgot myself. Now I find myself in darkness. My heart feels heavy and to be perfectly honest, dead. Knowledge is light and I used to be the girl that would study Islam from the very moment I woke up to when I went to sleep. It went to the way side as excepted when you get married and have children but just in the past few months have I noticed how much I need to return. Of course, there is no complete return when you’re a Mum but before Ramadhan, I would wake up at Fajr and study Arabic before everyone woke up and I was just a little content with the fact that I got a little quiet time, a little “me time” to study. I took it for granted and now I’m in a place I thought I would never return to.

When I first found Islam, in the truest sense of the word i.e the way of the Salaf, I was a new person. The old me struggled with depression and when I found Salafeyyah, I got through that without even realising it. Of course with any mental illness there were times I would go back to the destructive thought cycles but nothing, until recently, saw me at a point where I couldn’t dig myself out. Well, here I am, trying to crawl my way out of this black hole. Here I am, confessing my depression, and saying that, by the permission of Allaah, I will come out of it again. Because:

“Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned” {2:286}

I pray that this hardship is an expiation for my many sins and I pray that the deeds I did during this Ramadhan are accepted by Allaah. I ask Allaah, by His Mercy, which encompasses everything, that He forgives me and allows me to fast next Ramadhan. May the peace and salutations of Allaah be upon the Final Messenger, his family, his companions and all those that follow them in righteousness until the Day of Judgement.

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