You know since Allaah opened your eyes you’ve been truly happy. Content with everything you have. It’s a blessing and I know you see that. You’re hurt right now but remember; it is Shaytaan who is trying to bring you down, so he places these thoughts in to your head. All it takes is that one fleeting thought of whom you used to be and I see the tears fall down your cheeks. Know that Shaytaan is your enemy, so take him as your enemy. He just wants to see you slip because he sees that you’re trying to change. He’ll try to tunnel his way in to your heart and he knows that the way he’s going to get through now is by reminding you of all the bad things you’ve done in the past.
“I can’t believe you did that!”
“You’re a sinner, you’re too far gone!”
So now you’re questioning yourself, you feel on the edge of a precipice but you know what you need to do. Remember Allaah and remember who He is. Shaytaan will try to make you despair but Allaah told you “Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allaah except the disbelieving people.” Allaah told you he is Al-Barr(The Most Benign and Kind), At-Tawwaab(The One who guides His servants to repent and accepts), Al-Ghaffaar(The Oft-Forgiving), Ar-Ra’oof(The Compassionate and Kind), Ar-Rahmaan(The Extremely Merciful), Ar-Raheem(The Bestower of Mercy). He told you “For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.”(94:5) And “Allaah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.”(2:286)
How are you going to despair when you know this? What is it that Shaytaan can do to you when you realise this? It’s just a game that Shaytaan plays, and you know he’s great at playing games. But know that the only way he’s going to win, is if you let him. If you open the door to him, he’ll blow the roof off your house and he’ll leave you on your own, pondering about where things went wrong. Remember that you are not who you used to be, so be grateful to Allaah that He guided you. There is no point thinking “If only I did this…” because you’re wasting your time thinking like that. Didn’t the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) say “…The pens have been raised, and the scrolls have dried. And know that victory comes with patience, that with hardship there is a way out, and that with difficulty comes ease.” SubhanAllaah. Everything that has ever happened to you or will happen to you has already been written. Not only has it been written, it was written fifty thousand years before the heavens and the earth were created. So DO NOT be the “if only” girl!
Every single drop of blood, every single tear, every time you were on the edge; it led you to this point. So be humble to Allaah, be grateful to Him. If it wasn’t for Allaah, you wouldn’t be able to do salaah, you wouldn’t be able to fast or repent to Him. It is okay that you are crying; remember when the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was asked “How can salvation be achieved?” and he replied “Control your tongue, keep to your house and weep over your sins.” Well that is what you need to do. Weep over your past, because it shows that you fear the punishment of Allaah, but hope for His mercy and remember the du’aa of Abdul Malik; “Our Lord, my sins are great, but a small amount of Your forgiveness is greater than them. O Allaah forgive the greatness of my sins with a little of Your mercy”. It doesn’t matter what you did before, what matters is what you’re doing now. Good deeds erase bad deed, and you know how merciful Allaah is; your one sin on the scales is just counted as one, but one good deed is counted as ten and sometimes even more than that.
Again, how are you going to despair when you know this? The Prophet(peace and blessings be upon him) said “Allaah the Almighty has said: ‘O Son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and you then asked forgiveness from Me, I would forgive you. O Son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the Earth, and you were then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it [too]’.” So are you still going to play in to the tricks of Shaytaan knowing this?
You’re only young and you think you’ve wasted your life in ignorance, but you’ve got enough of a life left to live insha’Allaah to make up for your mistakes. Check yourself everyday; have you fulfilled Allaah’s rights over you? Have you done what is pleasing to Him? If you were to die right now, would you die prepared or would you wish to be sent back so you could do more? Remember that Allaah is All-Seeing, All-Knowing. Allaah is Perfect and guess what; Allaah is disposing of YOUR affairs. Gain comfort in that. You are imperfect and anything you do of your own volition will NEVER be better than what Allaah has legislated for you in His Perfect Religion. And Islaam IS perfect, despite what the people who hate it may say.
“This day I have perfected for you your religion and completed My favour upon you and have approved for you Islaam as religion.”(5:3) So follow Islaam and you won’t need to worry about losing hope insha’Allaah. Sure Shaytaan gets to you sometimes, but the thoughts he places in your head are transient, they are not tangible and they may be thoughts of the “past you” but the past is over and done with.
Know that “Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allaah hearts are assured”(13:28) and also “And why should we not put our trust in Allaah while He indeed has guided our ways. And we shall bear with patience all the hurt you may cause us and in Allaah (Alone) let those who trust, put their trust.”